I work with so many different parents who come in because, well frankly, their kid is an asshole. Moms who are crying because their kid tells them ‘no’, dads who are frustrated by tantrums, and parents who are shocked by their child’s behavior. GOOD NEWS – all kids are biologically wired to be assholes, they’re normal!

Visualize with me for a moment an army general sent to a new planet in order to harvest resources for their dying species. This general has a sense of urgency, of fear, and they will come to concur. The general will obtain these resources using forceful tactics.

Now picture the same general met by a larger, more intimidating force. This general will be forced to use negotiation in order to obtain the same resources.

Your child is, in essence, the general. Children are born with the view point of the world revolving around them. Their needs feel urgent, sometimes life threatening. They use force, tantrums, hair pulling, and in my daughter’s case face slapping to try and meet their needs. This is perfectly normal. Your child should display these behaviors, particularly early on (let’s say 18 months to 4). Biologically your child is attempting to manipulate their environment for survival using force.

OK parents here’s your task – be the larger, more intimidating force. Meet your child at their spaceship with rules, guidelines, and consequences. When your child is an asshole, show them boundaries. Teach them that if they behave like as asshole, they do not get resources and do not get their needs met.

In order to become a larger, more intimidating force you will need to accept a few things. I have many parents say they don’t want to be the bad guy. Sorry, no choice, it is your job as a parent to be the bad guy: to be the one person who stands up to your child, enforces boundaries, and teaches them not to be an asshole. This is a particularly hard role to play when you are a divorced parent and are opposing a force that does not have rules, boundaries, or consequences. Reality states that you will be the bad guy, you will be the no fun parent, you will be the reason why your child grows up and is not an asshole.

I have seen many parents move to tear out of frustration or hurt that their child could behave in such a manner. NEVER SHOW THEM WEAKNESS! Your child will pick up on those tears like a shark smells blood and go in for the kill. After that moment every time they feel frustration or want to obtain resources they will use these same tactics in order to conquer your army. Don’t let this happen or your planet will be overrun by assholes.

So at the end of the night when your sweet angel is in bed, grab a glass of wine, trash tv and feel free to cry or vent. The more consistent you can be during waking hours the sooner your child will learn that these tactics will not meet their needs. The sooner this lesson is taught the sooner they will resort to negotiation and more appropriate tactics to meet their needs. In the meantime, remember, your child is normal, you are normal, and sometimes kids are just assholes.